Skip to main content

Begin with failing

So here I am, finally being obedient to the direction to go back to school and I am humbled before I even begin...

I registered for school!  (kinda anticlimactic as I type it...) While I wait for the administrative things to take place I am supposed to test on my biblical knowledge.  I wasn't "I've got this" but I thought I might pass well enough to test out of a few of the classes.  Well, I'm going to be very transparent here - I failed.  In reviewing the first test on the Pentateuch, I tanked, bad...  I had a moment of sheer panic!  It hit me like a brick wall. "who do you think you are?" "There is no way you'll ever get this done"  "You'll never remember all this!"  I am pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment.  I had failed.  "F" - failed, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Oh, did I mention I am thinking of majoring in Biblical Studies???? LOL!

  I had to take hold of myself and give me a pretty stern talking to. (Something I haven't had to do in many years.) I got back on the proverbial horse and tanked the second test - although my score was higher this time, but still not enough.  After the third test, I cried "uncle" and decided that today was not the day I was testing out of anything.  

I sat with the LORD briefly and reminded myself that this was His plan and not mine, and then headed out into the day.

When looking at options for school one thing that kept running through my mind was something a mentor said at the beginning of a hermeneutics class. It went something like this... "If you are here for head knowledge then you are here for the wrong reasons. But if you are here for the Word of God to change your heart, then you cannot fail."  In that moment I was moved by the depth of his love for the Word of God and his acknowledgement of Its power.  Today, it gives me comfort as a face the daunting assignment of going back to school.  Back to how this impacted my choice of schools.  I don't want knowledge for knowledges sake.  I want to know what I know so that when needed I can stand firmly upon the Word of God because I KNOW - the tasted and seen kind of know - not the passing awareness of a thing.  I chose the school specifically because of the Lamad (a word I have come to, and I'm sure will come to all the more, appreciate) teaching method and the requirement of life application throughout all coursework.  Daunting it may be, but worth it!

Today at church, Pastor Tim's teaching was a perspective I had never known before.  He referenced much Scripture and styles of writing... then it hit me, I want to know God's Word like that!  And taking these classes that I failed to test out of will give me that kind of KNOWledge.  Not just a passing awareness.  The LORD knew the encouragement I would need and He was so gracious to me.  It always makes me smile when He loves so intimately.

In light of God's call and encouragement I can think of no better place to begin, than at the end of myself and the beginning of Him.  In my weakness (failures) He will be strong.  So the journey begins, one simple broken pitcher hoping to be filled to overflowing for the use and Glory of our Almighty God.  


  1. Don't you love it when the 'Ah ha' comes and a smile starts to form on God's face. He knew you would get there. He was just waiting for you to realize the value of it.


Post a Comment

Did something touch your heart? Please share about it.

Popular posts from this blog

Buying Time

The world will tell you that “time is money.”
In part, it’s true.  Every moment is precious and we can only spend it once.  We sell off bits of the gift of time, our life, to buy things that we think add to our happiness here.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve become dissatisfied with this exchange.  This spending of the most precious to gain the fleeting.  I’ve not bought into the American “bigger/more is better” but it’s so easy to just slip into the daily-ness of life here that we can’t remember how we actually spent the past week, month, year…  Same old, same old as the sand slips quickly through the hourglass.  Oh, wealth can afford you to hire people to free up some of your time, but you have to maintain the wealth, that takes time. 
But what if I told you that you could buy more time. How much would you want? What would you be willing to sell to buy it?
The paradigm shift comes when you realize that Timeis the most valuable commodity on earth.  It’s easy, from this perspective…

When the pain get too big

There are times when the heartbreaks of this life collide with our weakness and the pain gets so big that even breathing is hard.  It’s like being dragged under by the surf and tumbled over and over until up is down and you’re dragged along the bottom and raw wounds meet with salted surf and the searing pain of it is only a faint echo of the pain within your soul and you gasp for breath and flail helplessly, like a rag doll, until you’re eventually released upon the shore coughing up the brine of your own tears…
This is where I have been. Literally on the verge of tears at every moment.Memories, regrets, sorrow, missing, aching, loss - churning, growing to tsunami intensity threatening to overwhelm.Today I received a devotional from a Jewish Messianic site challenging us regarding the Sabbath.Oh, how my soul yearned for it.A Sabbath, a rest.But the to-do list haunted and I headed to the shower to start the day.All the while rest was beckoning to me…
What happens when pain gets big?What…


Flying - 5/25/18 the first day of the rest of my life and there is a beautiful blank canvas before me...
That used to scare me, now I’m just timid about the first stroke.But the palette is being prepared for the Master and His work is always beautiful, so I rest as I wait.
Metaphors will abound today, for I love them!They breathe life into our limited language and paint deeper understanding in our minds.;-)
Last night, as I drove away from HDC, the place & people who have been my home for over 13 years, my heart broke and it was a Gilgal moment. Remembering pulling into the parking lot for the first time over 18 years ago, now leaving it for the last time…So, so much life has happened in between!And God in His faithfulness to me, bound me up in short time and as I blew a blessed kiss and waved goodbye the tears began cease and my heart, held fast within His loving hands, overflowed with gratitude for the great gift, actually a desire of my heart that I expressed on that first day…

The Watch

The watch.  All I could think of was his watch, I knew he'd have been wearing it, he always did.  I needed it, as if it held some great key with which to padlock my grief, my heart just had to have it.  And as my eyes fell upon it, I had a knowing that he'd been wearing it and I reached for it and clutched it to my heart.  The pin for the band broken, probably upon impact, tearing the leather. And there was a deep scratch on the crystal, these, the only evidence of that his breath had passed from this life and into the next.  The second hand ticked steadily on as if nothing had happened.  I almost wanted it to have been damaged, just enough to have stopped those ticking hands, to stop time, to mark the moment that a piece of my heart had been torn away. Broken, shattered, time was now warped for me. Yesterdays are now the only tomorrows I have with him.

The watch seemed too heavy in my hand.  Oh, yes, it was a large watch to be sure.  He liked them that way.  He loved watches…